We have but touched the surface of the turmoil that led me to begin my mental makeover. This makeover prompted many to share their struggles, their triumphs, their understanding. Others have voiced their appreciation for gaining knowledge into an illness that plagues so many.
Depression is defined as a state of low mood and aversion to activity. Depressed persons may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilt, etc. Well now, isn’t that precious. They have tried to define what’s inside my mind. The abyss that is my mind; well what happens when the light of the mind goes out?
When the shroud of darkness engulfs ones mind… do you dare to follow? Have the hairs on your neck begun to stand up? They will.
My very heart is in severe pain within me,
And the frights of death itself have fallen upon me.
Fear, yes, trembling itself enters into me,
And shuddering covers me. – Psalms 55:4, 5
When the sun begins to set and twilight slowly appears, such is the case when the darkness has fallen. It enters through you slowly, causing pain to grip your very spine. Suffocating you from the inside until just when you’ve accepted defeat and welcomed death, you feel a release. And now, you are alone, trapped. Do I cry out for help? Can anyone really help? If you’re saying to yourself “You need to let someone help you”… Don’t be naïve. The darkness stole me right out from under you. You saw a smile…but I… I saw nothing; sucked into a chasm without an exit. Vocal cords crushed by fear. Are you ready to enter the emptiness that slowly breaks me?
I can only speak now of my own darkness. I can say that of those of us who have been there…it’s a place we would never want even our worst enemy to go. A place of thoughts never to be spoken out loud or they may actually come to fruition. Being in a stable place right now, at this moment, I can tell you that there was too many times I begged for death to come. Being dead inside wasn’t enough. Could I create external pain? Maybe that would distract me from the pain of my soul. No…sleep…quiet….sleep.
I can’t feel anything. I can’t see. Am I moving? I want to open my eyes, I want to reach out. There’s no light. No one will take my hand. I’ll wait here. In the dark…
Apparently days have passed, maybe longer… I haven’t moved. It’s still dark here. I don’t want to call out. I can find my way. If I was in a hole or a tunnel wouldn’t I be able to hear an echo? Hello!? No echo… I really am trapped.
Time seems to slow down but just when you decide to look at the clock you realize a week has passed. Some how you’ve bumped through the week completely unaware of your actions, did you shower?! This can’t be, this cannot be your life. Wake up! Wake Up!!
No light; still no light. I’m walking now… a labyrinth it seems I’ve stumbled upon. A maze of fear, despair and suffering. The way out… I see a way out. “Look, she seems so peaceful. She died in her sleep.” Yes that seems like a way out… wait. What’s that? Tears…so many tears. Why are they crying? I’m not afraid anymore! It doesn’t hurt anymore! Don’t cry… No this is the wrong way.
No light; still no light. I can’t walk anymore. I’m crawling now. There’s no way out. Its so dark. I’m so afraid now. The fear its, its crushing me; I can’t breathe. Am I dying now? Am I really dying now?
It let me go… It let me go… I hear something; someone. What are they saying?
Do not be afraid for I am with you. For I, Jehovah your God,
am grasping your right hand, the One saying to you,
‘Do not be afraid. I myself will help you.’ – Isaiah 41:10,13
I can see light… it’s far away but I can see it. I can get to it…I can.